For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do