i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
