this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
