remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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