I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.