I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
