I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
