I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
