I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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