I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
