I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize