Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
