I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
