I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
