Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
