I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
