I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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