My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
