If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
