his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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