Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
