Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
