dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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