Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
