Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
