so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
