i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
