i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
