I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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