not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
