If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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