I faked an abortion last night.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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