erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I could make wine with my vomit
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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