the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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