I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
