Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
