I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Is it penis luge time yet?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
