You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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