i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize