she woke up with a sticky ear
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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