I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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