The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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