Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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