My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
