You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
