FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
