So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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