New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize