he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
