so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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