He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
