Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
