guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
