wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
