I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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