i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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