Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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