hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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