I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
