He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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