I think my vagina is haunted
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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