So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
