I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
