someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
