if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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